Wednesday, 26 December 2007


Obviously today I haven't felt that calm or relaxed. Tomorrow is my last full day here in The Netherlands, assuming the fantastic weather in London and/or Toronto doesn't delay/cancel my flight the 27th. I've spent most of today moving stuff down from the attic for my mother, in addition to watching TV and eating chocolate. I think I had some plans to do some work today, but obviously not much came from that. I'll be so happy once I can settle back into a routine again.

Because I forgot to install Final Fantasy XI on my laptop before my PCs were taken away yesterday, I now have to download an ISO of the FFXI install media. Fun. Not like I've got time to play any games right now, though. Tomorrow I need to take apart some furniture for my mother, who will be moving to a new place a few weeks after me. I hope to do some useful things too, although it's hard to do anything comfortably right now as my back is killing me when I'm sitting behind my laptop on my bed (no desk right now, and the other rooms are too cold/too public, yes I'm a wuss). It's possible that yesterday night's 'activities' may have somewhat contributed to my aching back :P Ah well, I'll live ^_^

It still feels quite surreal to be sitting here in this quiet room (except when I've got music playing on my laptop or so). The mess in this room (part of the contents of the attic) and me currently living basically living and sleeping on the floor also contribute to the out-of-place feeling I'm currently experiencing. Just need to survive tomorrow, then I'll be going to my wonderful friends in North America~ Right, guys? Guys?


Ah well, I'll see whatever happens once I'm in Canada. Main things to take care of there are twofold: first the surgery to 'fix' me. Secondly there's the matter of making the software company my friend and I are running into a success. With those two things done everything else should be a breeze.

I've mentioned before that after Friday I'd start changing a lot due to the fact that I can now finally begin with accepting and dealing with the fact that I'm an intersexual girl. It's now finally beginning to feel real. When I see myself in a mirror from the corner of my eye, or facing directly, it's like I see a completely different person than before. Or rather I see a person I've seen glimpses of more and more often before, but now the other 'image' is gone. I think I'm finally beginning to accept that I'm an adult, a girl and also intersexual. Especially the latter seems to provoke strong emotions inside me. It seems so strange that such a thing which I've heard and read about before in books and such has actually happened to me. And yes, I realize that I've known rationally that I was intersexual since 2005, but clearly only now I'm beginning to truly accept it emotionally. This really is a big step.

*wipes away a tear and sighs softly*

I still feel silly about having taken so long to realize all this. It's always been as though I lived just outside of reality, like my body wasn't real, and everything I experienced were just images inside my head. Only science and technology were real, although I could not apply any of such things directly to my body. At most I could see my body as a mere object. I'm now slowly beginning to realize that my body is actually a real, living entity, which I, my brain, am part of. It's indeed like an awakening, like I've mentioned to others before.

Towards others I behave very differently now as well. Like yesterday when I was with the couple, they mentioned that one thing they noticed was that I had become a lot more talkative. Today I noticed it as well with how I behaved with my mother and younger brother. I much more speak my mind now, yet I'm increasingly more mindful of the effects of what I say. Another way in which these changes manifest themselves is in my driving style, which I noticed yesterday and today. I've become more 'aggressive', or direct, make fewer mistakes and am generally more alert of my environment.

Everything taken together, I'm going through a wonderful development, which I definitely hope will continue even as I undertake my adventures in Canada and who knows where else. I need to get some decent sleep now, however. Last night I went to bed a bit late (past 2 AM) and I'm definitely feeling the consequences today. At least having sex no longer makes me fall straight into a depression for days like it used to. I also don't feel like having sex anymore. Cuddling is fine, though :) It's just that to me it feels as though there's no point to me having sex until after my surgery. Seemingly I'm very focused on that now. It better come soon then, before it turns into another drama and/or obsession ;)

Good night and merry xmas, all of you happy fools ^_^


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