Sunday, 23 December 2007

Bracing Myself For Tomorrow~

So my trip to the other side of the country went fine. Spent over 6 hours in the train, but did some work on my laptop and dozed off a lot. I visited my grandparents, an old classmate (from primary school, hadn't seen her in 10 years or so), and dropped by that friendly woman from the libelle forums who had helped me get that MRI scan. I arranged the money for the moving with my grandparents, which I won't have to pay back until later next year :)

Tomorrow is going to be absolutely crazy, with the last-minute preparations before the moving company arrives on Monday morning. Need to finish packing my suitcase and all that, and make the last backups of crucial data. Oh, and I shouldn't forget to take that shower. I mean, seriously >.> Ah, and I'm feeling tired~ nothing unusual there ;)

A little while ago I found out that the 'girlfriend' of an American friend of mine is a transsexual as I already suspected. Immediately as I started talking to 'it' I could feel the traumas begin to stir again inside me. I managed to keep it under control for a good few minutes, but as the conversation proceeded, I got increasingly more uncomfortable until I could take it no longer and blocked 'it' on MSN in addition to leaving the IRC channel 'it' was in too. This friend and 'it' wanted to meet with me next year, but that's clearly not a good idea if I respond to transsexuals in such a severe manner.

As for the cause of this trauma, it's probably due to the horrible mental abuse I suffered at the hands of psychologists, most notably those of the VUMC's gender team and the one in Zutphen. Tomorrow I'll be sending emails to my physician and those psychologists to tell them how wrong they were. I hope that they'll at least feel a moment of remorse, though with such inhumane beings it's questionable they're capable of even that. Yes, I am angry. Earlier I felt like killing some transsexuals and psychologists. It's incredible how strong this trauma is.

Anyway, moving on. Now that I've got those results of the MRI, I really want to get started with the preparations for the surgery as soon as possible. Of course, the surgery will need a lot of money. With some luck the insurance will refund it, but there are still a lot of costs around it no matter what. Any donations would be very welcome at this point. Thank you in advance :)

In other news, I talked with my boyfriend a bit earlier and it's incredible how different I feel in general but now also when talking to him. It's like a lot of walls and limitations inside my head have suddenly vanished. I feel more... natural and rational now. The confusion... emotional ups and downs are gone and balanced out. No offence to guys out there, but I'm so absolutely totally overwhelmingly friggin' glad I'm not a guy :P

Of course, I realize that I've still got to accept and process the fact that I'm IS now, something I couldn't do before because I was waiting for confirmation. I'm not totally sure what to expect there, but I'm sure it can't be that bad :)

Back to my rag pile with me now. It's past midnight and tomorrow I'll need every bit of energy I can muster. See you nekomimi-less freaks tomorrow~



baka said...

harsh :'(

Cat said...

I hadn't read this far yesterday, so if you quit because of me. I'm terrible sorry!