Last night I chatted a bit more with the couple in Enschede. In short I won't be going there anymore for purely practical reasons. During the end of our conversation I began to feel depressed again about my own sexuality and felt the same kind of hatred yet again. I cried and took out my frustration on my pillow and quilt before I fell asleep. I woke up many times during the night. I felt so exhausted that I fell asleep when I rested for a moment on my bed (sorry, rag pile) some time after noon.
I've been feeling rather unwell since yesterday. Today I had a mild fever, some disorientation plus nausea and a mild headache, in addition to a depression. Clearly the stress lately is wearing me down. I realized yet again that I keep pushing people away since Friday, I've been stuck trying to deal with my unease and questions and more regarding one friend, the girl I've been with in Norway. Even when I was still there she became more distant with every passing day and now she really doesn't speak to me at all. She has a lot of issues herself, which I've offered to help with, even just by talking, but without even getting a response to such offers. So frustrating, but not a reason to erase her as a friend from Facebook, like I did when I was feeling depressed yesterday. She didn't respond to my friend request, so I guess she either stopped caring about me or is pissed. Great.
Every day I check the traffic statistics on my blog and they're not bad for a small blog, but with the audience I'm attempting to reach this way it's still quite depressing with around 20 - 40 visitors a day, most of them returning visitors, though. That must mean that at least some people care a bit about me. Or they just like to laugh at my melodramatic tales. Yes, I'm talking about you :P
Currently I'm working on setting up a larger, bigger and better site at MayaPosch.com (don't bother checking, it's still parked), which'll allow people to not only see this whining and depressed side of me, but explore less tiring parts of me as well :D I might accept some ideas and suggestions for this new site as well. Not like anyone is going to bother to comment or anything, right? ;)
In other news I've been partially joking on IRC earlier today that I'd gladly have sex with anyone who'd arrange and pay for my surgery (to restore my female side to full functionality). In reality I'd even settle for acting in a full-feature pr0n movie. Yes, I'm desperate ^_^
Anyway, I just watched two hours of documentaries on dinosaurs including one about a dinosaur mummy. Fascinating stuff. And yes, talking about this stuff makes me look even more geeky and probably unattractive *tear*
I'm going to my bed... er, rag pile now. See you fossilized freaks later~