Last night I had an often recurring dream again. In those dreams I'm always at school, doing generally normal school things there, but at some point I'll almost always feel like I shouldn't stay there and walk out of the class or such. I think it means something, but I'm not totally sure what it refers to. Perhaps my dislike of being in such a strictly organized environment? It could be related to my giftedness.
So today I've been filling in and obsessing about forms. Forms for the MRI scan and forms for the moving. It's a serious amount of fun :P but at least I'm almost done with them. I finished everything for the MRI scan, also borrowed the money to pay for it. 678 Euro in total. I seriously wish I could just pay for it myself. Ah well, hopefully the insurance company will be nice and refund it. Yep, big chance :(
I've definitely got a cold now. My lungs are hurting, the headache is still present in the background and I really don't want to start coughing now. My throat also feels a bit sore. Nothing too serious yet, though. I don't think that me going outside in the cold yesterday was that beneficial to my condition, nor does the stress involved in preparing for Friday help matters.
The journalist contacted me again for some more questions and such. It started off nicely when she asked me what I'd do if the results of the MRI scan were negative. That really put me (forgive the pun) into a negative mood. When she continued to ask questions I began to feel really tired of answering all those questions. Why does it matter whether I answer them or not? It won't matter that much anyway. I'm tired of talking. I want facts now, facts which may make me feel worse, but at least I'll know the facts and end this infinite cycle of speculation which makes me want to just throw the lid on sexuality and call it an end.
Then the journalist said that she was beginning to doubt that I'm even intersexual, after I answered some questions about medical tests and such performed on me, which basically comes down to that never at one point has a qualified doctor who actually knows something about IS looked at me and no scans were ever performed. To hear her say this tipped my already crumbling emotional side right over the edge. I lost my temper, even quit MSN for a bit, restarted it, cleaned up the mess I had made by knocking things over and generally crying uncontrollably.
After shouting some things about how she'd never understand or accept me at the journalist I dropped myself on my rag pile and cried more while I (my rational side) could see how my emotional side slowly went into shock until it became like it is now: totally walled in, like the fragile bird embryo inside its shell. At that point I decided to fix myself and my rag pile up and see what I'd do about this journalist and such. First I talked some more with the journalist. Feeling very calm and composed now that my head was free from the traumatized and painful thoughts induced by the emotional side, I eventually wrote the following (translated from Dutch):
- Maya: I am a woman, whether I want it or not
- J: aside from my feeling that you are female
- Maya: that's the entire point
- J: the most important features of a woman have for centuries been a womb and a gender using which she can be fertilized
- Maya: sure, if you only look at the reproductive organs, but women are being born without womb and such, would that make them not a woman suddenly?
- J: I'm not a doctor
- Maya: I didn't say that ^-^
- Maya: It is about how you'd see such a person. Not every woman is so fortunate to be born with fully intact and functional reproductive organs. Actually not that many.
- Maya: there are more birth defects than you could count using the fingers of two hands. Yet almost all of these people are being accepted as being a woman. Why'd that be different in my case? Because no doctor has looked at me and said that yes, I am a woman?
- Maya: what if the results of the karyotype test is simply XX? Would you only then recognize me as being physically a woman?
- J: see, now you are saying exactly what I mean. You really are correct with regard to your point of view.
- Maya: thank you
So yeah... either she's just being unclear or she is just confusing :P To me it's impossible to admit emotionally or even rationally that I could possibly be a guy. To those who have actually bothered to look at my body it's very clear that it's not masculine at all. Or ask those hundreds of guys who have seen me on cam and really thought I was nothing but a normal girl. I guess that the collision between facts and opinions is sometimes just too much for me to take emotionally.
A little after this I talked to a German man I had talked with before. He had some more questions about my IS condition. It was quite an interesting conversation. He genuinely seemed interested in learning more about it and was very considerate too. Quite a difference from the interrogation by the journalist earlier.
What's also interesting is how my emotional side is split in two. I notice it quite well right now. Basically there are the higher-level and lower-level emotions. The higher-level ones are the traumatized section, while the lower-level ones are just fine. That's why I can just go on laughing and flirting and such because they're not in the traumatized section. Definitely remarkable :)
So in short today is The Day My Traumas Died (for a while). Would have made a fancy article title. Ah well, next time perhaps. I'll return to my rag pile now and try to get some Zzz~s in before my early morning (routine) appointment at the dentist. Joy~
Maya
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