Tuesday, 11 December 2007


So today started off with me feeling depressed the moment I woke up. The subject? My sexuality. Thinking back at the things I mentioned yesterday and considering the role of sexuality in my life so far, it was so clear that it was just all negative to me, with no clear outlook on it improving any time soon. To me sexuality means pain. Sexuality is suffering, Sexuality is completely negative. Sexuality is useless.

More crying. Lovely. I then decided that the only choice was to rid myself of any thoughts related to sexuality and proceeded by executing some really strong suppression techniques, which worked, but clearly also really exhausted me, as I fell asleep again for another two hours. When I woke up I felt much calmer and above all rational. Yet interestingly enough, when I reflected on my decision a few hours earlier and then considered how things like hearing about or experiencing sexuality was enough to send me into a depression, as well as my inability to improve significantly in the past years in this area, I realized that it wasn't a bad decision at all. Rather I agree with it.

Considering that the one thing which'll help me come to terms with my own sexuality and ultimately sexuality in general is the medical testing as well as (hopefully) the surgery, yet that these things won't happen until I find a doctor who is willing to help me, it seems unlikely that anything will improve for me regarding my sexuality in the coming 2-4 months. Since I can't progress with this rather troublesome part of myself, I have decided to 'shelve' it for now. As of this morning, any thought related to sexuality is suppressed. I won't deal with it, or think, or worry, or get depressed about it. I refuse to let it screw up my life any longer.

Today I got blocked by another guy on MSN who thought I was rude because I didn't reply to him on MSN because I was asleep. Crazy guy. I scared away another guy who had responded to my sex dating profile by informing him that I didn't feel comfortable being with a guy alone. Then another guy on MSN backed off after he realized how much I disliked my own sexuality. I'd rather have him talk about it instead of leaving me alone :(

I've been busy with research on things in preparation for Canada. Things like a driver's license and the apartment and such. Got an email from the apartment company informing me that they didn't have any single bedroom apartments at the requested address, even though the previous conversations had been on double bedroom apartments. I sent an email back and await their reply. Tomorrow is going to be really busy, as I plan to take care of the insurance issue. Going to ask a lot of questions at the local insurance office.

Further I'm going to buy some stuff, like a new agenda and perhaps a dress I saw in an advertisement. I hope it's a nice one. I wish I had to spend more money on things like clothes, though. Having to browse through the bargain bins gets tired after a while. Unfortunately I haven't heard from the big web development project yet. I hope they respond soon. If they drop out, then all I've got is the income from my company, Nyanko, the site of which (Nyanko.ws) is coming closer to completion. This week for sure. Now we just need to start selling some products on it :P

I was playing FFXI earlier, but my sleep-induced stupidity got me killed. I so need to sleep at regular times again :(

See you nut jobs later,



John Hoo said...

I have personally found that doing fun things unrelated to whatever makes you depressed is the best way to take your mind off it.

Your mind does not like brooding, and it won't brood if you keep it entertained. Give it a shot. Go out and drive fast or something (just don't get yourself killed or I'll be sad...).


Maya Posch said...

You're totally right of course :D

Perhaps the way I put it in the post wasn't totally correct. In a sense it's more like I filtered out those 'brooding' thoughts so that I can focus on fun & useful things again :)

And don't worry, I don't have a car (yet), so a car accident is still impossible :P

John Hoo said...

Go steal a car then. Double the fun in the getaway. :D

Maya Posch said...

You want to get me killed, huh? ;)