Leave Me Alone, Please...

Positive: I didn't wake up once through the night. Negative: I woke up feeling horribly depressed, the familiar feeling of having sadness and pain seeping out from deep inside me and a crushing feeling which should be familiar to those who've ever cried out their eyes after hearing that a loved one has died a few hours ago. I feel like I want to crawl back into my bed and remain there forever. I never want anyone to look at me again, not on webcam, and not in real life. I wish I had no body at all.

Got two messages from 'friends' on Stickam, a nice message from a girl who tried to cheer me up and inspire me. Appreciated, but not effective right now :( The second message was from a guy who had just read my blog in its entirety. Quite nice message aside from the part where he confirmed that some other guys would indeed feel scarred if I were to ever show everything on cam. Cue feelings of being a freak, abnormal and unable to choose or decide or perhaps just unable to become 'normal'.

Emotionally I want to get rid of my male side, every last bit of it, yet rationally I know that this desire is not based on reason, just on confusion and pain with the desire to be accepted by others. It does underline for me once again that sexuality is something that's not for me. It'd be easier to just get rid of it, forget about it and stop whining about me being a woman. I'd just live on like a 'something' in that case, something asexual, like I've done since I was a young child. Truly, sexuality holds nothing for me but pain and negativity. I can honestly not think of any positive points about it.

I feel that I'm in a catch-22 situation. I do want to make more friends so that I can feel more normal and cheerful, yet at the same time I'm pushing people away with my negativity and traumas. There's simply no way to improve on this situation. Or perhaps it's just the depression talking. I'm really not this depressed all the time. It are just moments like this when I don't seem to be able to see the positive side of things. Though even when I'm not like this I still have a hard time thinking of positive points about sexuality. I think that's a hint.

In other news, I've heard that a video of a webcam session two days or so ago has been released into the wild. Apparently some guy recorded it without my permission. I already kicked out three other guys doing the same thing in the same session after one of the few nice guys I've met on Stickam tipped me off. Not only does this reinforce my idea that guys in general are utter scum, it makes me want to never, ever cam again in such a setting. I'm finding it difficult to deal with slutty cam sessions like other girls do on stickam as well, including by that girl I mentioned earlier. Not that I saw it, but she told me what she did. I want to erase it all from memory and pretend this world is a much happier place than it really is.

I'll try to patch myself together a bit more before my blog post later today. Until then it's cryin' and feeling-sorry-for-myself time.


Maya