Tired again...

Yesterday I got a message from a couple on the sex dating site about a threesome. Upon contacting them it turned out that they hadn't realized that I wasn't a regular girl. Hearing that still really, really hurts.

At any rate, the girl and I ended up talking a bit, and after I told her more about me, she became more interested and eventually I caved into a request to show myself off on cam. Her boyfriend was watching as well. She seemed to be rather interested in me and even asked me to do things like take off my panties (otherwise a big no-no) and do stuff with my male side. By this time her boyfriend, who had been somewhat interested before had stopped the cam and didn't say anything afterwards. I thought he was very rude. It also hurts so much to be treated like a mere curiosity.

Thanks to that cam session I didn't go to bed until around 1.30 AM. Thanks to waking up around 5-6 AM I didn't get much sleep. I did try to fall asleep again, but ended up being assaulted by negative thoughts. I remember why I started suppressing any thoughts regarding sexuality. It's just so bloody negative and painful in every sense of the word. I'm sick and tired of being sexually defective. Having sex no matter what way is pointless and futile. I wouldn't mind seeing sexuality vanish completely from my life.

And yes, I know that's being really negative again. I'm just realizing more and more that what I'm looking forward to and waiting for are those medical tests. The moment of revelation when I'll finally know what's the matter with me and what my options are. Anything before that is just speculation, confusion and frustration. I do know that I'm at least glad about one thing, something I was reminded of again when I saw what my mother was watching on TV yesterday. It was a documentary about a transsexual guy. Just one look at the guy in question made me nearly thank God on my knees that I'm not a transsexual. God, I know I shouldn't say this, but I feel sorry for transsexuals and happy that I will never have to endure their eternal suffering, even after the surgery. Now I just need those tests and the surgery and I can stand up and laugh, simply because I've survived the hell I've been in and every single transsexual will be in forever. Yes, I am being mean :P

So what else... I heard a nice remark by a guy who is also very nice, about how the IQ of the average visitor of sex dating sites approaches that of a lollipop. It made me chuckle ^-^
This morning I also had a nice chat with another nice guy. We talked a lot about self-image, perceived inadequacies by oneself and jealousy of those who can do things we think we can't. The comparison between him and me was a bit lob-sided, though, as his issue are braces, but it still showed some interesting similarities, especially those related to one's self-image and self-esteem. This conversation was really useful to me. Especially the part about perceived inadequacies has given me a lot of food for thought. I feel like I can take a bit more distance now.

Earlier I did a 'show' on MSN webcam again. At the other side were two guys who do not know about my 'secret'. Neither of them still has got even a single clue. I love how they keep whining about wanting to see my female side. Guys are really quite disgusting at times.

In other news~ on Friday I'll lose my bed :( the cousin I mentioned before will be picking it up because he won't have time around XMas. I'll have to sleep two weeks on a mattress on the floor, I guess. I contacted the moving company today as well to confirm the moving. They'll probably drop by next week to take away all my stuff except what I've got in my suitcase and such. This is going to be interesting. From the looks of it I'll have my apartment by January 5th. I hope that my boyfriend and his parents can put up with me for over a week :P

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy my comfy bed for the one-before final time now. See you lollipop-sucking monkeys tomorrow again,


Maya